What is The Meaning of Love?

The other day, my wife, Selena, picked up the latest copy of Real Simple magazine while we were at the grocery store.  At home, as she paged through it, she found an essay contest and suggested that I enter it.  After all, how hard could it be and the prize was $3,000!  After looking at the dates of the contest (May 3, 2011-September 15, 2011) we decided that wouldn't work.  We bought the magazine on September 15, a few minutes before the deadline ended.  Selena  said she had never even seen the contest in earlier magazines, but here the September issue had the contest, which ended that month.  Anyway...I digress...horribly.

The essay contest was "When did you first understand the meaning of love"?  We talked about it for awhile.  Most people may say it was their first love in school, maybe a religious experience, or something with their spouse.  My thoughts first went to my wife.  Did she help me to first understand the meaning of love?  Perhaps how she treats me on a daily basis, how she fixes me a lunch for work, or even how she treats our children.  Mothers often display so many wonderful forms of love, that it should be easy to understand love through them.  But alas, my thoughts went to another fine woman.

I had been driving home with a friend from Washington, D.C. after a business trip and we stopped at a Cracker Barrel for lunch.  We had finished eating and I decided to stop in the restroom before we continued our drive home.  As I entered, I was met with the sounds of people talking and the most horrible bathroom smell you can imagine.  Without being overly descriptive, I mean the outhouse type of a smell.  In one of the stalls, two pair of feet were visible...one male, one female.  These feet were those of an elderly couple.  It was obvious, by the words I heard from the lady, that the man had had a terrible accident.  She was cleaning him up and, it appeared to me, trying to console him a little bit.  After all, I am sure the man was embarrassed and felt a bit of humiliation.

This woman was taking care of her husband in the truest fashion of "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse".  She understood what love meant!!!  She knows what love is...that it is an ACTION VERB, not a noun.  You have to DO love, not be in love, or feel love.  As badly as I felt for that elderly man, I was so happy for him and proud of that woman.  He had a wonderful partner in his life who obviously loved him greatly.

That day, I was able to put aside my having to deal with the "environment" of that bathroom and just be amazed at that display of love.  I think I understand love now...and what unconditional love really is.

Back to School-Continuing Abdication!

Between my three boys, I have signed close to 20 separate pieces of paper during this first week of school.  These range from emergency notification cards (two are in the same school as last year) to letters explaining plagiarism and the punishment for it.

Now.  Some of these have their purpose, quite obviously.  Though two boys are still at the same school, it is important that the school has the most updated information.  We may have gotten a new phone number or maybe I need a new person to be able to pick them up from school.  I have no issue with being involved in my oldest son's desire to drop one class for another and it requiring my signature.  Where I have issue, is when I have to sign so that the school can place responsibility on me...and take none themselves.

What do I mean by that?  Well, as has happened before, if I have signed a paper attesting that I have read the student handbook for the school and what disciplines can/will be used for my child, then I cannot disagree/argue with the school about what they are planning to do to my child.  In this case, the school has used my signature and knowledge of the handbook to abdicate any responsibility they have to administer punishment by using any sort of a system of justice other than zero tolerance or the "same for everyone" approach.  They will not look at two students and judge them based on the individual.  They will punish the first time offender the same as the thug kid.

Our children are also taught that they are irresponsible and untrustworthy until the school no longer has jurisdiction over them (usually age 18 or graduation).  When I was in school, we signed out for our dentist appointment and then walked out to Mom's car.  Now...I have to first sign in as a visitor to walk ten feet down the hallway to the Dean's office, sign out my child, and then bring back proof that I actually took him to the dentist.  I cannot send a note to school, have him meet me at the door with my truck running, and go to the appointment.  And yet, we wonder why our children don't know what to do on their own, why they need so much guidance to do the simplest tasks that we did as kids because we had learned to be independent.

It just seems obvious that with every piece of paper I sign for my boys, the more the school is letting me know that if something happens, they will simply say, "It was in the handbook" or "Didn't you sign the letter we sent home on unexcused absences"?  Why yes I did, isn't being sick with Mono an excused absence?

Before I get of my soapbox, has anyone else had a problem with giving their children medications at school?  I remember going to my grade school secretary for an aspirin.  Now, I can't even send Tylenol to school with my son to give to the nurse without a document from his doctor stating that he can take it.  And don't you dare give your child chap stick!!!!  Oh my!!!  That could be dangerous to other kids!!  Yeah...only if he jammed it in the kid's eye!!

This year, for the first time in over 20 years of having kids in school...I am joining the PTA.  Someone has to stand up and say ENOUGH!!!  We need to get rid of stupid rules and a lack of common sense in schools and make the teachers and administrators take some of the responsibility back for teaching our kids that they have been so eager to abdicate.

Time To Let Go and Let Them Grow...

In one week my little girl will head off to college.  It seems like just yesterday she was that sweet little girl in her cheerleader outfit or her Girl Scout uniform.  Now she is all grown up and wanting to spread her wings...wanting to go out on her own, but still wanting Dad to do some of the heavy lifting for her.

I had a chance to talk with her last night about my concerns for her at college.  I hope you will share some of these things with your new college student, if you have one.

I told her that I knew she was going to drink alcohol in college because that is what happens at college.  I wasn't giving her my approval, just facing reality.  I warned her of the pitfalls (first don't get caught underage), such as how alcohol can sneak up on you, don't drink and drive, etc.  But the most important, I think, that my dad shared with me before I left for the Army, was never ever leave your drink unattended.  You never know what may be dropped into it and that is when you hear about a date-rape or some young person dying from some chemical.

I also made sure she kept in mind to never travel alone, especially at night.  Always walk with someone.  She took a moment to remind me that she IS afraid of the dark and would, therefore, never walk across campus in the dark alone.

The most important point I made to her is that she should have fun at college and experience the things around her.  Don't forget her purpose, but have fun.  I know she will be successful in whatever she does.  I just worry about my little girl like all dads do.

So, send your kid off to college with a hug, maybe a tear or two.  Keep them in your prayers and let them know they can always call you for advice...just don't expect them to always follow it.

Selena and I Go To Washington!

My wife, Selena, and I had the honor of an audience with Senator John Thune, R-SD this past Wednesday (July 20).  When I had originally asked to speak with him, we were given 30 minutes to speak with him.

With great anticipation, I prepared for the meeting by getting my issues together that I wanted to address:  Post 9-11 GI Bill, DOMA, and other military related topics.  We drove the 3 1/2 hours to Washington, DC for our meeting at 3:30pm.  We wisely parked outside the city and took the Metro to a stop near his office, putting us in his outer office at 3:20. 

At exactly 3:30, two of his staff came out and got us and we went into a conference room and began to brief them on our issues.  I have dealt with Senate staffers before, so I knew that talking to them was like talking to the Senator himself.  After a few minutes, Senator Thune came in the room.  The first thing I noticed was that he was very tall...and he smiles a lot.  Not a fake, politician smile, his comes across as genuine.

I quickly rehashed my first topic and he asked questions and we continued.  He showed genuine interest and never took his eyes off us as we spoke to him and shared our thoughts and concerns.  At one point, his secretary entered the room and, after excusing herself for the interruption, told him he had a phone call.  Without missing a beat or moving his eyes from us, he dismissed her with an "I'll be there in a minute".  Not once did he lose focus on the people he was there to talk to.  At that moment, no matter who was on that phone, we were what was important to him.  It really made us feel good, that he understood that we had traveled a long way to see him and we deserved his full attention.

About five minutes later, he said he better go, but not until after some pictures.  He was such a good person to talk to.  It was like sitting down with one of my brothers and telling him about my concerns.   We asked him to continue to keep up the pro-life fight to which he responded, and I quote, "That's a no-brainer".  After thanking him again, he left us to his staffer again who let us expand on our thoughts. 

We left that meeting floating on air with a feeling that our Senator had made us feel so important to his job and that he believed what we were saying was important.  I would love to see Senator Thune run for President someday.  I can guarantee him at least two votes.

Totally Different Books

After having a very heated discussion on gay marriage on one Facebook thread and a very respectful and adult discussion on another, I came to the realization that this topic cannot be discussed by people with differing opinions.  Not only are the two sides not on the same page, they aren't even in the same book!!!  Stay with me here...

Normally, in a discussion on gay marriage, the pro side says "Good for the gays"! and the con side says, "Bad for society/family"!  The discussion then turns into a slinging of names, accusations of homophobia, being judgemental, and hate, etc.  For the record, in EVERY one of my discussions, my dissenting opinion was attacked and I was called names.  I was chastised for not being tolerant, yet my view was not tolerated.

This issue has two distinct ways to look at it, in my opinion.  First, there is the secular side, secondly...there is the religious side.  Let's look at each one.

Gay marriage...secular sided:  When you look at gay marriage from a secular point of view, it is very hard to argue that it should not be allowed.  In fact, I am not sure I could come up with one.  Do two people of the same sex have the right to enter into a legal contract that will allow them to share medical benefits, property, and other legal stuff just like heterosexual couples can?  You bet!  I have no problem with two men or two women calling themselves a couple and having the other on their insurance or whatever.  I am not sure I see a lack of equality anywhere, since civil unions have been around in many states for quite a while, but yes; I do think that if a gay couple wants to enter into a civil union, they should be allowed to.  From a secular, contractual point of view, it is OK.  After all, all marriages start out downtown with a marriage license as a legal contract and are, in essence, nothing more than an agreement for the exchange of goods and services between the two parties who signed that contract. 

Gay Marriage...religion sided:  Here is where the big problem begins.  Most religions do not look at gay marriage as being proper.  I am going to speak from the Christian view since I am a Catholic.  Marriage, from a religious standpoint, is not simply looked at as a contract, but a sacred covenant between a man and a woman and God.  Before you get all excited, I understand that two men or two women can love each other just as strongly as a man and a woman can.  That is not what is at question. There are Biblical references to man and woman: The first to be quoted is always Genesis 1:27-28 to paraphrase, "He made them male and female and told them to be fruitful and multiply. There are also references to the sinfulness of homosexuality...not "being" homosexual, but acting on it. Leviticus 18:22 states, "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination.  Both of these quotes are from the Old Testament, so cannot be written off as strictly Christian rules.  There are many more references throughout the bible which condemn homosexual behavior, but not the homosexual. 

From a religious view, marriage exists for procreation, thus the reason the Catholic Church does not support birth control and especially abortion.  If you cannot (health issues aside) create children with a sexual act, the marriage is useless.  I will not go into sterile parents and other side issues here. 

The point is that you cannot have two men have sex and produce a child.  God's intent for marriage cannot be met.  Imagine if Adam and Eve had been Adam and Steve.  In a few years the human race would have been gone.  Sex is not meant to be a recreational sport but to be a unifying act between a husband and wife...an act of intimacy...that opportunity for the "two to become one".  Thus, many Christians are OK with there being civil unions for homosexual couples, allowing them to have the same secular rights as heterosexual couples.   However, it is when homosexual couples want that union to be called a marriage, or to be performed by a minister, that many Christians cry foul.

There is also the debate about the family structure and the need for both parents.  I do not believe that a child will do just as well with two dads or two moms as he/she would with one of each.  A girl needs a mother to learn girl stuff and a boy needs a father to learn boy stuff.  We have gender specific roles and ways we do things for a reason...because God wanted it that way.

You will notice that the number of words needed to support gay marriage in the secular sense was far less than the number used to show why, religiously, gay marriage should not be allowed.  As I said in the beginning, their really isn't an argument to be made against gay marriage if you look at it strictly from a secular view.  Yet there is a strong argument, with much Biblical and historical/societal reference to back the argument against.

I do not believe this is a topic that can ever be discussed without agreeing first about which side of the debate you are going to discuss...secular or religious.  And in order to have the debate from a religious standpoint, the person on the side of gay marriage should really be religious and believe in their faith.  Otherwise, it is a useless talk.

It Must Be Me!

Once again, a dissenting view on a topic has caused me to be accused of "bashing" someone.  I am a bit confused as to how a person, when presented with a comment, makes a statement contrary to that comment and is called names for their view.

People post many things on Facebook.  We tell people how we feel each day, how the weather is where we are, and sometimes even all the little, trivial things we need to get done that day.  Some even make statements that are political, religious, societal, or even all of those rolled into one.  Then, they are surprised when someone they are "friends" with, comments on that status with something not in line with their way of thinking.  Why do people make any statements if they are not actually looking for a reaction?  When we make the comment about how our cute kitty just caught its first bird, we are looking for comments.   It would seem to me that if you do not want anyone commenting on the status you just posted on a political issue, stick to the status that reads, "got up, ate cereal, lots of laundry to do before class".  Hard to get into a debate over that one!

I guess I am wondering when debate between sides went away and the dissenting side became "bashers".  Do they still have debate teams in high schools or are they "bashing" teams.  When candidates for the Presidency have debates, they disagree about the other person's view on different things but aren't considered to be bashing them.  Why has common disagreement over an issue become grounds for name calling.

Is there a standard protocol for Facebook?  Am I not allowed to comment on a friends post unless I agree with it?  Is Facebook, a social network, not the "proper place" for discussions concerning politics, religion, or societal issues?  If not on Facebook, where?

I have been called a "troll" because I comment on posts that strike me.  The accusation being that I do it just to make people angry.  Not true.  Usually, it is because I consider what the person has said to be flawed in some way...often times, just plain factually wrong.  So if I comment with the opposite view, isn't that allowed?  Is that why Facebook only has a "Like" button?

I enjoy good debate, discussion, argument, whatever you want to call it, on many topics.  Unfortunately, it seems most people want to place things in their statuses and then not have to defend their position.  So why put it there in the first place.  If that's the case, see suggested status above.

To me, Facebook is a place for a person to share as much of themselves as they want.  Anything from kids' activities, to relationship problems, to personal views, to how they felt about the American Idol results.  If you put it all out there, you have to be ready for someone to respond in a way you don't like.

I don't want all my friends to agree with me all the time.  Conversations get boring if there is no one to talk a differing opinion.  To my Facebook friends who think I'm nothing more than a troll and looking to pick a fight....I am sorry you feel that way, but I will not stop.  I would hope that you would engage in a meaningful discussion and keep the name calling for the playground.  I enjoy having all my Facebook friends that I have and hate losing any over disagreements on topics.  Sometimes, it is best to agree to disagree.

Does anyone else run into this problem?  If not...then it must be me.

The Tone of Voice

This poem was provided during a marriage seminar I attended.  It is a great reminder that it is not just the words we use with our spouses, our children, our friends, but also how we use those words.  It is so easy to slip into a voice that is too stern for what we are trying to convey to a child.  A well-intended comment to a child can sometimes come across as anything other than that...just by the tone of voice.  I battle this one often.  You want to simply tell a child "no", but it comes out worse.  You call them to supper and the child doesn't want to come because your voice has that "tone".  One of my children today was asked if he understood what I had just said.  He said yes so quietly I did not hear him.  When I asked again, he answered in such a way as to sound like he was telling me, "You fool, can't you hear me as I stand next to you?"  His tone to me was disrepectful, though I know he did not mean it that way.  Ironically, we were having a conversation about the tone of voice.  Please enjoy this poem....and be aware of your tone of voice.

THE TONE OF VOICE

Author Unknown

It's not so much what you say

As the manner in which you say it;

It's not so much the language you use

As the tone in which you convey it:

"Come Here," I sharply said,

And the child cowered and wept.

"Come Here," I said - -

He looked and smiled

And straight to my lap he crept.

Words may be mild and fair

And the tone may pierce like a dart;

Words may be soft as the summer air

But the tone may break my heart;

For words come from the mind

Grow by study and art - -

But tone leaps from the inner self

Revealing the state of the heart.

Whether you know it or not,

Whether you mean or care,

Gentleness, kindness, love, and hate,

Envy, anger, are there.

Then, would you quarrels avoid

And peace and love rejoice?

Keep anger not only out of your words --

Keep it out of your voice.